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08 November 2009 @ 02:49 pm
Bloody rush that was. pain seared through me, sliced through every nerve ending, and yet, holdin' Buffy's hand one final time and knowin' that I was takin' care of all of the elder beasts that are supposedly the real vampires, gotta say, didn't feel soddin' any of it.

Sure, could feel the skin slicin' away in white hot increments from my skin. Could bloody well feel the very bones surroundin' my organs meltin' so hot that they liquified and by proxy, obviously could feel the organs that vampires still use, that keep me alive, burstin' in my chest...could feel all of it and it hurt, bloody hurt like you wouldn't believe, but I had made piece with the idea that this sack of hammers conclusion was a possibility goin' into this big fight.

Had come to terms with all of my past transgressions long ago. Unlike Angel...the thought made me upset because he had kissed Buffy before all of this started...unlike Captain Forehead, my past sins didn't thrash me and make me have to bloody count sheep at night. I was evil and I did what it was in my nature to do when I was evil. I killed people. I killed people to survive. Never after the big man in the cave had forced my soul back in had I felt the need to atone for my past...except for what I had done to Buffy and with things right with her as I was deep fried destroyin' the hellmouth...this was my ultimate atonement for my past sins and it felt right.

No torturin' myself, broodin' every night like a mamby-pamby dark haired vampire ponce from Ireland...I just went out in a blaze of glory to help save the world and to help keep Buffy safe. It was right. Bloody simple. It was right. Had done everything in this world both as an evil vampire and as a champion and let's face it, not disillusioned here that what I wanted most in this world for the rest of my existence...Buffy...had no delusions of bloody grandeur about there bein' white picket fences and barbecues in our future.

I had done it all and was ready to leave for the right reasons.

And...I had done it. Flesh was liquiefied, fangs were molted...hair had melted away and that was the big finale for Spike.

William the bloody was complete.

Except, there was no soddin' brochure tellin' me that by wearin' that amulet, that I would still be cognizant of bloody everything. Sure, my body is gone and everything is confined...but it's not just the soul here. I am completely aware of everything goin' on. I can smell remains, though I don't seem to have a physical nose and now, it's bloody well got me thinkin' Toasted as if lava had covered me and here I am thinkin'.

I'll make no bones about it and I've said this to others before. I was never what one would consider to be a giant in the thinkin' department. I just went where the blood was and was in for the fight. But, when you don't have a body and you bloody well feel like you are confined in the world's smallest elevator, smellin' charred purebred vampire remains, feelin' hot rock underneath of you, but in a way that is muted by something that used to be cold and is now warm...you think a lot.

And...have had some time to realize what's happened. Not sure how much time has passed down here, obviously in the hellmouth, or what's left of it, sun beamin' in in a not fatal way since I have no body and am enclosed in the AMULET, but time had bloody well definitely passed.

Not right. That what this is. Not soddin' right. Did everything for all of the right reasons and here I am all trapped and worst of all, no way in hell that anyone is goin' to find me...lest it be the wrong somebody and since I have no body, there is...wait...it's happenin' right now!

Thought that I heard dirt shiftin' only a minute ago. Now, can bloody well feel a warm hand holdin' me...holdin' the amulet.


I repeated the scream, changin' the adjective used to describe this unknown person, but again, the person kept walkin' and eventually, I could clearly hear a car bein' started.

Bloody great. Toasted and trapped in the amulet, now I'm probably in some ponce's Volvo on my way to a shelf with other interestin' trinkets.

Screamed again, but if they could hear me, they were ignorin' me. Didn't make sense that I could hear them...though this wanker wasn't sayin' anything and unless I was mistaken...wasn't even breathin'...yet he or she as it were couldn't hear me.

Bloody wished that I had form...not afraid of much...not afraid of anything, but not bein' able to defend myself from whoever this was or even catch their interest with my screams is frustratin'.

For seemingly hours, these thoughts ravaged my thoughts. Wondered who this silent breather was and was thinkin' vampire, which made no sense because couldn't very well be a vampire pickin' me up because could have sworn that I could feel the sun on the amulet at the time I became a passenger.

Wondered what else this could be. Wondered who would be explorin' the hellmouth if it wasn't bloody Giles or Buffy or somthing. Nice thought, that...that it could very well be Buffy holdin' me right now...holdin' me again...except no way in hell that Buffy wouldn't have spoken by now. Buffy would never stay quiet for that...



Suddenly, in reverse, everything...mostly soddin' pain came flushin' back, ferociously, things moldin' back together, my hair, clearly present on my clearly present head...skin, firmly attached and bloody sore...bones...bones inside hands that are now visible and swingin' me around...

Swingin' me around so that I'm face to face with a giant, hair-gel usin' sod.


Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: "Buchstabe" Rammstein
09 October 2009 @ 04:01 pm

If there was one word that could describe the way I was feeling right this minute, it would be numb. Nothing seemed to make sense and yet, in some morbid, otherworldly dimensional twist of fate in where the good guys are trying to battle the bad guys in order to prevent another cataclysmic event that will soon doom the world, yet again, it does make perfect sense. My head hurts just thinking about it.

I chance a look around the lobby and for the first time in a long time, since my crazy I-used-to-live-in-a-cave days actually, I find myself unable to look at anyone straight in the eyes. I feel like I've just betrayed everyone and I'm not just talking about my friends, but the whole world. But then again, I was not the only guilty one. We all signed our souls away. Or at least, it feels like we did anyway. Didn't know that playing for the other team would make me feel so cheap, even if we do it for all the right reasons, or at least I'd like to believe we did it for the right reasons.

Why can’t things ever be simple? Why does simple always have to be complicated with us? It’s like we never seem to get a good reprieve. It’s always kill the bad guys and then hey, you look at your schedule again and what do you know? You got more bad guys lined up at 2:00pm on a Tuesday while your original kill-the-baddy-appointment at 1:00pm cancels on you only to reschedule for next week.

At least then you knew what was on your itinerary half the time. And with a direct link to the Powers… well, that made things a wee-bit easier, didn’t it. The powers… Cordy… I- I still couldn’t believe how everything turned out in the end. Can’t seem to make heads or tails out of the whole thing. It hardly seems fair.

I guess nothing in this world is truly fair.

But it was true, wasn’t. This… this whole deal with the devil, fair or not… this was the only way to keep the big baddies on a leash. Ha ha! I have to laugh at my own naivete. Really though, if we were all trying to be honest with ourselves, the ones who are really on leash now are us, right? Sure, give us more money than we could ever hope to make in three life times, keys to some pretty nifty looking cars that I’m pretty sure I’d be to chicken to drive anywhere, along with an office with amazing views and unlimited resources for whatever research our minds can think up. Yep. No matter how I look it, it just feels like we’re selling out somehow. Why doesn’t it feel like we’ve become the puppets? It's almost like we're being pulled along by invisible strings.

But, this was our choice. We- we made the right choice, right? I mean, there was just too much at stake and we just didn’t have the kind of resources at our disposal to battle everything and everyone. I mean, after Jasmine… we sorta lost everything. We couldn’t just keep things going the way they were going and just hope that everything would work itself out one way or another with some musty old book or some spell, or with… with… Angel.


That’s the real reason why we are all here, ain’t it. I still get all those goose pimples just thinking about it. Angel is really gone, isn’t he? He made his own choice quite clear. He would become Angelus, in exchange to right many wrongs. But was all that worth it, too? I guess, I will never know. I am not a father, or carry the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. Sure, I am part of this team, I want to help, I’m deeper now that I had ever hoped to be, but he’s the one that prophecies are written about… he’s the one with the burden. I’m just a girl who took a wrong turn in a library and ended in Pylea.

A choice.

To keep doing things the way we’ve always been doing them, from the outside looking in… or… to work from within the belly of the beast and hope to god we find something… just anything that can be of real use to us, and soon.

Maybe we’re biting more than we can chew… and let’s face it. I do that more times now than I can count.

Geez. Just thinking about all this… I feel like I just lost 15 years of my life. Not only do we have to work from within the house of evil, Wolfram & Hart, but the big boss will be… Angelus. And let’s face it. He’s not a team player, and if he ever did go for a team, it'd be more likely for him to choose team ‘maim you’ instead of playing for the good guys.

Can we really handle all of this? Are we capable? As if we didn’t get enough of Angelus the first time around.

But we all made our sacrifices. We all had to. In the end… in the end there was so much at stake, too many things that couldn’t be overlooked. But I wonder, did we really think everything through? I mean, sure, according to our contracts Angelus can’t do anything to us… directly. Maybe even indirectly, we’re still kinda iffy on the indirectness there and any loopies there could be in these contracts, but this is Angelus we’re talking about, the biggest bad there is, aside from this evil corporate umbrella that’s our new employer.

I just can’t seem to shake this feeling… As I look around, I can pretty much tell that everyone else is having the same internal dialogue that I just did, or something similar anyways. Kinda hard not to. And just having this feeling of no control makes me wanna keep one of those big red buttons on hand to press every now and again and have it fix everything just like that. Catchy commercial- too bad it’s just not real.

“So… I guess this will be headquarters from now on?” I hesitantly say with a nervous smile.

[Open to Wesley, Gunn & Lorne]
Current Location: Wolfram & Hart Lobby
Current Mood: numbnumb
05 October 2009 @ 03:06 pm
I watched my mother and father leave with my little sister. I don't really know what it is that they are going to do...they're probably taking her clothes shopping because she can never make up her mind about what fashion is in and if she has the right clothes to compete with all of her little friends.

Competition and clothes, man...I swear, that's why I like older women. My little sister is destined to be in fashion designing when she gets older, but honestly, that really depends on whatever the leaders of the many cliques that she tries to impress decides is in down the road.

Who knows? Maybe she'll grow out of that and not be so conformist? Maybe she won't. It doesn't matter. It takes all kinds I suppose. I'll love her regardless of what she decides to do. At least she has the grades right now to go to any school...as long as it isn't Stanford. Then again, she'll be in high school long after I graduate with a masters degree in advanced entrepeneurism or a baccalaureates degree in intellectual thinking.

The car door slams and I have to drift away from my hilarious thoughts and scan the car. My parents are the best parents on god's green Earth. I can't imagine, nor do I want to know the massive bill that they will be paying per semester. Actually, I already do know, but it's a little intense. It's so austere that as the car leaves the driveway and I scan it from the window, the blinds only slightly moved as to not allow them to see me spying on them, I can't imagine anyone else having better parents. I mean, my friend Doug's parents spilt up and his father has a meth lab in his basement. I'm not picturing Doug getting the support he needs to go to college even though he has the grades to. He's already hanging out and working this year because he isn't sure what he wants to do.

It's simple. The Riley family sticks together and I have the greatest parents in the world. Even when I wasn't sure during the application process if I could get into some of the schools that I applied to, my father assured me that I had what it takes to do anything that I set my mind to. He's so strong and sincere. I really wonder if it skipped a generation. Honestly.

I mozy away from the window and pick up the phone. With my parents being out with my sister, ample time is left for Tracy to come over. I dial her and hear her sweet voice on the line, tempting me into debauchery as she always does with barely a syllable. Mom and Dad know that we date, but if they only knew what Tracy talks me in to, they might think twice about letting me live on campus.

Tracy is older then me, by three weeks, but in terms of maturity, usually, that three weeks may as well be three years or beyond that. I'm such a lucky guy. Shaking my head, I run up the stairs to look at myself in my mother's huge mirror. Vanity is never something that I cared about like my sister does, but what can I say? Tracy brings the worst out in me.

Smiling, I ignore the tiny zit just below my left temple, brushing it off to being a teenager. Besides, I have to look for the condoms that I only recently purchased and periodically move to different hiding spots. My mother is famous for snooping, even though both she and dad profess to all that I am the living embodiment of the perfect son. I've never been in to drugs and porn...my pornographic experience is limited to my experiences with Tracy...so my mom is always satisfied with her inspections...or so my father tells me.

My mother might kill my dad if she knew that he told me about her tri-monthly inspections, but that's just the relationship that I have with my folks. Outside of Tracy and one or two omissions on my part, we have always had a solid relationship...okay...I know, they don't know that Tracy and I have memorized the Kama Sutra, but hey, I'm a teenager with a very respectable libido and I don't want them to know. Sue me. Or maybe you shouldn't sue me. I might major in law and take you to the cleaners one day. Stanford does have the finest or at least one of the finest law schools in the entire world.

Again, I have to laugh at my random and ridiculously entertaining thoughts.

I walk away from the mirror thinking who am I talking to? If Tracy saw this display she might take away certain privileges that might put a frown on my handsome mug. More vanity. I can't help it. I'm giddy at the moment. Back in my room, I remember that the condoms are in the closet inside of my game of Risk. My mother would never look for contraband there on one of her...let's be honest...cute personal Connor invasions because she hates that game, considering the wars of words that have transpired while playing it with my father and sister in recent years.

Unfortunately, mom moved some things on top of it. Fearing that Tracy is going to get here in her convertible and that I'll be digging for a prophylactic and thus run out of time for us to have sex because this will be the one time in her life that my sister knows what she wants to buy and they'll get home quickly, I pull the box out quickly and kinda sharply, thinking that everything atop of it will just neatly fall into a perfect rest where the board game was...

Little did I realize until it was about to hit me in the head, that my mother put a ten pound barbell up there and as it's about to bash my head, I'm thinking that being concussed won't exactly lead to a passionate encounter with Tracy. I saw the barbell tumbling at a marvelous rate of speed towards my head and with the greatest of ease, fearing for my life, I bobbed my head and it missed.

My pride at my epic reflexes quickly became muted when the barbell landed perfectly on my foot. As it hit, shards of pain shot up, the foot having so many nerve clusters. I limped away, cursing my mother, which is so rare for me, for putting something so heavy amongst clothing on top of a board game. Secretly, I knew without a doubt that mom was trying to crush the game, but that is currently hardly solace when dealing with the reality of my assuredly broken foot.

Looking at the barbell, I then pull my head forward and stare at the doubtless gash and bruised right foot of Connor Riley and to my dismay, there isn't even a mark. Heck, it's not even red. In fact, the pain that was there only five seconds ago in spades is completely gone. I pick the barbell up and realize that it feels like a piece of paper. I toss it to its rightful place on the floor of my closet, right next to the other one.



Weird and strange, but not unprecedented. With my window open, I can hear Tracy pull into the Riley family driveway. I could hear her car for the last ten or fifteen seconds, though I only now realized it because my life was in jeopardy only seconds ago because of that barbell. I could hear her car's muffler, though I'm sure that I remember her father having it fixed for her about a month and a half ago. I've always been blessed with good hearing and sight and the family optometrist swears that my eyesight is inhuman, but I've never really thought much about it.

I'm thinking about it now, though, as I watch Tracy get out of her car, a big smile on her face. I'm thinking about it now because of the barbell and the foot not hurting an iota and the time earlier this summer when she ran over the very same foot when we were in Mendocino on the beach. Then, while she was tipsy from one wine cooler, I told her that she had hit a giant rock. Then, I was confused. Now, I'm wondering if the barbell did hit me in the head because the confusion over that and now this is concussing...debilitating.

Seeing her strut to the front steps immediately eliminates the confusion and the worry, though.


Good eyes, good ears, an impervious right foot, great parents, a great girlfriend...her running over my foot aside. I'm definitely a lucky guy. There's nothing more to think about.

Her hand hits the door and my pulse quickens. Turning, I rush back to the closet, not worried about anything falling on my head or feet this time around and grab the game of Risk. Inside, buried under the black game pieces, I pull out the pack of trojans.

My pulse quickens further and though I want to agonize that Tracy isn't going to be at Stanford with me, I simply can't because I can't wait to touch her, feel her...feel her lips against me.

I run out of my room and hop down the stairs two at a time on a foot that is in absolutely pristine condition.
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: "in the blood" better than ezra
Sometimes you're given a chance, one chance to make a difference in someone's life. And you're only given one small window of opportunity. In that split second, when opportunity knocks, choices are made, and as hard, and difficult as those choices may be, one way or another, those choices still need to be made. There is no gray area, no in between. You either take that opportunity or you don't. You either choose life, or you choose death. You either choose to keep fighting to make a difference, even if it's in one person's life, or you choose to do nothing and watch as the world around you changes, time after time, and watch it destroy itself. Choices... life's full of them.

As I saw the face of my son on the television screen, his eyes lost and empty- filled with cold rage, I made my choice. Didn't even have to think about it twice. Funny that. Lilah had spent the last thirty minutes trying to convince me about taking over Wolfram and Hart... trying to get me to see the 'bigger' picture and sell my soul to the devil, or devils formerly known as the senior partners, in exchange for a big oval office with the best view in town, a penthouse with all the amenities and money to burn for as many life times as I lived. She saw it as a great 'opportunity' for me to move up in the food chain. "Just business..." She said. I saw it as an opportunity to be part of the problem. They didn't want to help me. Since when does evil want to help the good guy by giving him the world in a silver platter? All they wanted was to get me to be the bastard that we all knew I could be and fulfill their prophecy... and if it had been on any other day, than the answer to that would have been simple. I would have laughed in their faces and walked out the door without a backwards glace. But this was today, and today, all it took for me to make my choice and accept all the 'terms' and 'conditions' of Wolfram and Hart was the picture of my son staring back at me on that big screen.

"This is a one-time offer only, Angel. Walk out that door, and there's no deal. Stay and the world is all yours." She paused, and stared at the screen, a fucking smirk plastered on her face.

Yeah... the deal of a lifetime. My son's lifetime. These were the kind of choices you would think were the hardest to make, but as I turned my back to her, and stared at my son once more, I found that it was the one decision in my long life that I found the easiest to make. All I wanted to do now was get to him, talk to him... help him somehow. But something inside told me that he was beyond any words or any help that I could offer.

I could sit here and say, I had no choice, but the truth is I did.

I couldn't just stand there and stare at him any longer. I turned back to Lilah and glared at her, I could taste the hate, and rage, detesting everything that she stood for. "People like you— this place— that's what's wrong with the world, Lilah. I will never be a part of this." I paused and looked at the image of my son on the television screen before stepping closer to her- "Not in the way you're hoping. Now let me tell you what the deal's going to be..."

And just like that, the bargain was struck, and the choice was made. My soul, for my son's life. A chance for him to live all over again, without the demons, and the memory of a hell dimension. The chance of a new life, a better life; one that I could never give him, not now, not even if I tried because, it was too late for us. The chance for a normal life, one where demons, and vampires didn't exist, a real life.

Interesting how sometimes prophecies are fulfilled. Interesting. But that was only part of the deal. There were also others that I had to take into consideration. I had to make sure that they would be safe from everything that was about to happen... that they would be safe from me. Another apocalypse was brewing up the coast and I couldn't turn my back on it either. Couldn't turn my back on her, on Buffy, not after everything that had happened between us.

But before I could sign on the dotted line, I had to make sure that my son was okay. I left Lilah and my soon to be office behind and headed for the parking structure where the company limo was waiting for me. The limo drove me towards the shopping center were Connor had barricaded himself along with the innocent people that had been at the store and I quickly found my way in. Every second felt like an eternity and as I turned the corner and turned the knob on the door, the atmosphere of the room hit me like a ton of bricks. The smell of fear filled the room, a smell that I knew all too well. And in the distance, with his back to me, I could see him, my son... Connor.

The father will kill the son...Collapse )

What I did for my son was one of the easiest and hardest things I ever had to do. And in the blink of an eye his life had changed... for the better. All my hopes and dreams would now lie in him, and I knew that no matter what happened to me from now on, as long as he was alive, as long as he was okay, then I would be okay too.

That same night, I headed towards Sunnydale, and as I drove down the familiar roads, I tried not to think about all that had happened and would happen after I signed on the dotted line. Still, I had no regrets. Wesley, Fred, Gunn, Lorne, they all knew what my decision was, they knew that I had taken Wolfram and Hart's offer- my soul, in exchange for the life of my only son, and in exchange for the last piece of the puzzle that Sunnydale needed to end their own apocalypse. I didn't know what their decision would be, but they could either be on board, and make sure that Angelus stayed in check from within the belly of the beast, or work from the outside in. It was their choice, I had already made my own deal with the devil. But I trusted them to do what was right... for their sakes and the sake of the world.

I made it to Sunnydale in record time. It was easier to see her this time around. Easy to talk to her, easy to see her kick ass the way she always did... but it was not so easy to say goodbye. I wanted to stay and help, I really did, but it seemed that she had all the help she needed. Not that Spike was ever any help to anyone, more like an annoyance if you asked me. But she wasn't asking. Her mind was already made up, and there was nothing I could do about that. I gave Buffy the amulet and we said our goodbyes. She didn't need to know what I had done or was about to do the moment I returned to L.A... what I was going to become... we were both in very different worlds now- we had been for a very long time. It was all for the greater good, right? Right.

It was late when I returned to L.A and I walked across that lobby making my way towards the office where Lilah and I had first discussed the terms of their offer. It did feel strange to be inside the belly of the beast, but I guess in a few moments I wasn't going to care much one way or another where I was. Before I opened the door I took one last look around and saw Lorne walk out of one of the conference rooms, followed by Wesley, Gunn and then Fred. 'Hell is empty... all the devils are here,' I thought. There was nothing more to say to them, I had already said it all... so I simply smiled and walked inside, where I signed my soul away in blood- along the dotted line.
Current Mood: determineddetermined